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dancer16

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Reply with quote  #1 
Hi! My daughter has been in dance since she was 2. She is now 12 and is dancing with a new group this year. There is a group of girls a year younger than her that are constantly bashing other dancers and each other the minute one of them walks out of the room. My daughter and her friends have never had issues with girls before, but this year has been miserable so far. What makes it worse is these girls are constantly getting rewarded with leads or special parts in every dance to add salt to the wounds. Should I talk to the studio owner or let it go?
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tendumom

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Reply with quote  #2 
Let it go. Support your daughter. Help her find her way through this. This age range is prime time for the stereotypical mean girl behaviors! 
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dancer16

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Reply with quote  #3 
Thank you! I think I will let it go. It’s so hard not getting wrapped up in it.
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AnnaBeav

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Reply with quote  #4 
I think it depends on your studio's culture. My DD's studio has a strict no-bullying policy and they actually "helped" a dancer find another studio last year because her and her mother kept stirring up trouble. So I know my SO or the manager would want to know about behavior like that.

But if you don't think anyone would be receptive to that information then I would just support your daughter and maybe role play with her how to handle the mean girls.
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hopefuldancer17

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Reply with quote  #5 
Let it go and teach your daughter to rise above it and not engage.
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Mamala

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Reply with quote  #6 
I dont think I would talk to the teacher about it. I would talk to your daughter about how to handle it, as a pp suggested. If it escalated to bullying or became more out of control then maybe talk to the teacher. Right now you're saying it's a bunch of tween girls gossiping about each other behind their backs, with no specific child being targeted? Unfortunately, that's typical behavior from girls this age. It's not that it's a good thing, but it's what they do. Teach your DD how not to be a part of it, and how maybe she could even be one to intervene by sticking up for whoever they are talking about, or changing the subject etc.
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rubydancemom

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Reply with quote  #7 
I would not talk to SO about it. It's happening at our studio, too. When a couple girls did it in front of me, I went over to them and quietly told them to knock it off. Sadly, other parents all around, not one other said anything to the girls. 
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my2miracles

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Reply with quote  #8 
I started to write one answer and as I walked through it I realized all 3 studios DD has been at - even the toxic one, the SOs wanted to know about bullying and dealt with it immediately.  So, I would talk to SO privately.  The SO may not have any idea what's going on.
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Lorax

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Reply with quote  #9 
my2miracles... I want to add a different experience. In some cases the SO themselves is driving the toxicity. I'm not talking Abby Lee obvious issues either. I'm talking about using the parents of the kids to instigate situations that push some families away and draw other families in. I'd just be very cautious to advise "go to the SO". If I hadn't seen it with my own two eyes I would have said that as well, but some times (and hopefully less of the the time) the SO really does not want to know, or they already do because they are part of it.
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my2miracles

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Reply with quote  #10 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lorax
my2miracles... I want to add a different experience. In some cases the SO themselves is driving the toxicity. I'm not talking Abby Lee obvious issues either. I'm talking about using the parents of the kids to instigate situations that push some families away and draw other families in. I'd just be very cautious to advise "go to the SO". If I hadn't seen it with my own two eyes I would have said that as well, but some times (and hopefully less of the the time) the SO really does not want to know, or they already do because they are part of it.


So true.  That's why I surprised myself as I was writing the posted.  I initially expected to say that the toxic studio wouldn't have done anything but then I remember there was an incident that DD wasn't involved in but they called in the girls involved and had a meeting.  In retrospect, I wonder though if the outcome would have been different if the girl being "bullied" wasn't one of the favorites.
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peachygreen98

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Reply with quote  #11 

My personal opinion, if you can't trust the people in charge of your studio to deal with mean girls and bullying professionally it is probably time to find other people you can trust.  

The SO can't fix what they don't know about.  If they don't address your concerns at all or continue to fuel the fire, is that the right environment?

Having listened to and read way too much testimony about the USA gymnastics debacle with Larry Nassar, I wonder how complicit we as parents can be if we are to continue to do the same things and allow the same practices in the name of "good training".  

If we can't talk with our SO about bullying, can we talk to them about abuse, about injury, about any other serious problems?  What line do we draw?  

If the SO doesn't want to know or is already part of it, why are we allowing our children to be taught in this environment?  

I don't mean every teasing mean comment needs to be brought to the SO attending, but if there is a pattern and your child is feeling bullied you can't sit back and let it continue without stepping up to do something.  There is a difference between a single mean comment or even a correction being given and continued bullying.  That distinction needs to be made.  

 

One thing though, bring up the bullying, but don't make it about favoritism.  And make sure to keep it professional and I hate to say it document it.  Send an email to the SO that you want to discuss concerns you have about some of the girls in your daughters class being mean to other girls in the class either when they are there or behind their backs.  Have specific examples.  Try to keep emotion out of it.  State your comments calmly and rationally.  Allow the SO and DT to respond.  Do not bring up parts or featured positions that the other girls might be getting over your daughter.  

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sglemon

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Reply with quote  #12 
I had to say something and I have, twice..  Only come to find out others have made the same complaint against a particular child, when you are on a dance team or in a Preprofessional company, the girls need to trust each other and work together.  My latest, was during a meeting with the owner to go over my DD long term plans, what she needs to work on, etc.. and he specifically asked how are things with the other members.  One girl who is extremely jealous and not very well like, was playing my DD and her friend.  Kept telling the other lies about what each other said about each other.  Its been a huge problem with this particular girl and I am grateful, my DD and her friend were much smarter than the trouble maker.
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dancer16

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Reply with quote  #13 
Thank you, sglemon. The more advice I get, the more I realize something needs to be said. My daughter shouldn't be getting in the car every night of the week looking defeated after another bad day with this girl and her followers. Each week I keep saying it may be getting better, but it is not. I will be setting up a meeting with the SO soon. Thank you!

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