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Psmom

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Reply with quote  #26 
There's so much going on in your post. I'm not sure I have everything straight. Is this your kids school or is it a dance studio? Is it a ballet school attached to a company? Are there 450 kids in the school or 450 kids in the performing company?

Some of the things you're bothered by, while they may be annoying, are really not about you even though it seems like they are to you. Your ex friend taking her kid to get extra help is really just her business. We are all free to choose to do whatever we want to help our kids improve in whatever activity they love. If her dd needed more class time to learn than the other girls did then going to extra classes was the way to do that. Her other option was to let her fall behind. It's likely that things would level out over time due to the very young ages of the kids you're talking about. This started when the girls were 6 and they are now 9 so physical and cognitive development are a big influence. It's the same concept as a parent taking a kid to a math tutor so the kid can keep up in school.

Are there 450 kids in your performing company? If so there have to be a lot of mothers other than these few drama mamas for you to get to know. The drama mamas may just be the ones you notice due to their needy nature. Look for the moms who seem more calm and who's kids are someone you think your dd will like spending time with. Since you have been one of the central characters in the studios latest drama it would probably help you to shed the lingering doubts people might have about you if you pulled back for now with volunteering for jobs. Let someone else be in charge of the backstage chaperones.

It sounds like your DD9 is a talented dancer who is progressing well. There's nothing any other mother can do that will make your child stop progressing. Even if another child in class is more talented than yours it won't change your child's progress. Comparisons between the kids, especially by the mothers, always leads to drama so try to steer clear of those who do that.

You have nothing left to do regarding your former friend other than letting it go. Remaining bitter is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. When you see her around the neighborhood just treat her like you would any other neighbor. Closure will only come for you from within.
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my2miracles

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Reply with quote  #27 
Sorry you got involved with a crazy.  That happened to me several years ago through on of dd's friends.  The 2 family's started hanging out on occassion.  It took a couple of years but then the real crazy came out [eek].  It got ugly.  Poor dd got caught in the fire of these crazies (they were convinced everyone was bullying their child when it was her that was bullying).

Anyhoo, I'm glad the cancer is gone from your studio.  Sometimes that's all it takes.  We had nothing as bad as that at our studio last year but some of the mother's of the older girls were exclusive and lording over us newbies.  Fortunately their daughters quit this year and the vibe is soooo much different.  All it takes is 1 or 2 to make the whole place stink.
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LexiandAbbysmom

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Reply with quote  #28 
Jealousy is a nasty, nasty emotion.  I can believe the things i have seen grown adults do and say.  Often it is because they are jealous of kids.  I keep telling myself that all that jealousy comes for severe insecurity.  One mom at our studio is so insecure and directs all of that towards my 10 year old daughter.  At Nationals last year she actually put herself in the middle of a situation where a girl in my daughters dance group threatened to "punch my daughter in the face" if she didn't stop bouncing around in the dressing room.  This mom has always been so jealous of my daughter she told her that she deserved it.  This coming from a grown adult.  To this day my blood boils every time I am in the same room as her but I have chosen to take the higher ground.  

How sad must their lives be if they display these behaviors?  
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dancermom28

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Reply with quote  #29 
The part where the mom is getting extra help for her daughter really shouldn't concern you. I see that no different than getting a tutor for academic courses or a private lesson to help the kid get better.
However, if the other things you said about the mother is true then just let it go. I wonder if just the stress was getting to that mother. It is odd that the Director of the school would talk to you about problems she is having with the another mother, does not sound professional of the SO at all to me.

However, I have witness some mom's in my DD studio that are Personality A types and I steer clear of them, there are other mothers  who complain and complain and want you to tell the SO about her complaints, I don't play those games. For the complaining mothers, I would tell them to tell the SO since the SO is open to listen, whether she acts on it is another matter, but it is better than complaining to other parents who can't change anything. Personality A types, I just say hi and try to go away. Of course, those personality type A mothers do try to get me, and when they do, I just have to say "I don't know anything and it is my daughter's activity, so I will let my daughter decide on whatever the issue it is and let her take care of it" - I know easier said than done. I am sure I was a complainer once, but have learned since to let the SO know what my concerns are if nothing changes, then yes, I would vent with other mothers but in a low key way to just let them know I am not happy with the situation but will tolerate because it is not too big of a deal. I do see why the SO is right sometimes. 
In our studio, whatever the problem the SO has with a particular parent, she calls them into her Office and speak discreetly out of other parent's kids earshot. It is the mother who usually then tell the studio about the problem anyways. So, i do respect my SO on that front that she doesn't go tell other mom's about one particular parent specifically.
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Kechara7881

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Reply with quote  #30 
Quote:
Originally Posted by heidi459
Just wondering where people meet new friends if they refuse to allow themselves to get close to the parents of their children's peers.  For the last 12 yrs those are the only adults I have had contact w/locally.  Old friends don't live nearby.  I don't work.  At this point in time, my life revolves around my kids. So what's an adult woman to do?

Fortunately, I haven't had these experiences many speak of so I can't say that I really agree with the sentiments expressed here but, w/so many offering this advice as if it is just the standard, I do find myself wondering what their suggestions might be.  Seems a sad way to go through life, being afraid of opening yourself up to people for fear that things may go wrong sometime in the future.  Just because we've seen it happen before [frown]


I agree. Even though I was burned badly at DDs former studio, I am still somewhat receptive at the new one. I am just more cautious. To make it worse, I live in a SMALL town, where everyone knows everyone. Once DD and I were frozen out I had no one to turn to. Thank goodness I have family nearby or I would have been one lonely chick. It broke my heart, because I loved those kids as if they were my own and now, I only get to see them online [frown]

To the OP, head up lady. Dance is can be a rewarding world(as you may know) even though it seems to bring out the worst in some. I'm sorry you went through that, I hope things are better for you from here on out.
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gymmommy71

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Reply with quote  #31 
Re: the analogy of the other mom getting privates being like a kid getting tutoring to keep up in math at school, I don't think it's quite the same from what I read. Sounds like OPs daughter was advancing at a very fast rate - skipping levels, etc., where the natural course of things for the other moms kid was for her to progress just normally w/ kids her same age. I think this other mom saw the OP's kid advancing at a faster pace, and had to make sure that her kid advanced just as fast and was seen as a standout talent too (when actually she really wasn't, she was just taking a ton of extra secret privates somewhere else to make herself appear more talented).

I'd say the better analogy is that two kids were in 2nd grade, kid A was so gifted and smart that they wanted her to skip to 4th grade when kid B was just on pace to move to 3rd after 2nd w/ the vast majority of the other kids. Kid B's parent went and got kid B all kind of extra tutoring and basically taught her 3rd grade on the side so she could move up to 4th too w/ kid A. So now the school thinks both kids are gifted, when in reality only kid A is gifted. In the long run, this strategy may actually be detrimental to kid B, cause at some point she may not be able to live up to the teacher's expectations when she can't make up for her shortcomings w/ extra secret tutoring.

Now had mom B been getting her kid tutoring just so she could move to 3rd grade when she was doing so poorly in 2nd that they were considering having her repeat 2nd grade, now that would be a little different.

I actually totally understand why the OP is annoyed by what the other mom did. The other mom was probably also putting immense pressure on her DD to keep up w/ OP's kid, so IMO all involved are better off not being at the same studio any longer. The whole situation sounds very Texas Cheerleader Mom to me and probably would have got worse and worse as the other mom's DD kept falling short at trying to keep up or beat out OP's DD - and if the other kid needed all those privates just to keep up w/ OP's kid who was only taking her normally prescribed classes, she was bound to struggle all her childhood w/ trying to fight a loosing battle in her mom's eyes. It's really sad, and I feel bad for the other mom's daughter. I hope for her sake she finds a studio that has other dancers closer to her talent level.
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Klba37

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Reply with quote  #32 
I had some very good friends at the dance studio when DD11 was young, but as they all made the competition team, "Friends" changed. I am friendly to them but these on not my best friends after I have heard them talk about me and even DD11.
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dancedaughters

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Reply with quote  #33 
Quote:
Originally Posted by gymmommy71
Re: the analogy of the other mom getting privates being like a kid getting tutoring to keep up in math at school, I don't think it's quite the same from what I read. Sounds like OPs daughter was advancing at a very fast rate - skipping levels, etc., where the natural course of things for the other moms kid was for her to progress just normally w/ kids her same age. I think this other mom saw the OP's kid advancing at a faster pace, and had to make sure that her kid advanced just as fast and was seen as a standout talent too (when actually she really wasn't, she was just taking a ton of extra secret privates somewhere else to make herself appear more talented). I'd say the better analogy is that two kids were in 2nd grade, kid A was so gifted and smart that they wanted her to skip to 4th grade when kid B was just on pace to move to 3rd after 2nd w/ the vast majority of the other kids. Kid B's parent went and got kid B all kind of extra tutoring and basically taught her 3rd grade on the side so she could move up to 4th too w/ kid A. So now the school thinks both kids are gifted, when in reality only kid A is gifted. In the long run, this strategy may actually be detrimental to kid B, cause at some point she may not be able to live up to the teacher's expectations when she can't make up for her shortcomings w/ extra secret tutoring. Now had mom B been getting her kid tutoring just so she could move to 3rd grade when she was doing so poorly in 2nd that they were considering having her repeat 2nd grade, now that would be a little different. I actually totally understand why the OP is annoyed by what the other mom did. The other mom was probably also putting immense pressure on her DD to keep up w/ OP's kid, so IMO all involved are better off not being at the same studio any longer. The whole situation sounds very Texas Cheerleader Mom to me and probably would have got worse and worse as the other mom's DD kept falling short at trying to keep up or beat out OP's DD - and if the other kid needed all those privates just to keep up w/ OP's kid who was only taking her normally prescribed classes, she was bound to struggle all her childhood w/ trying to fight a loosing battle in her mom's eyes. It's really sad, and I feel bad for the other mom's daughter. I hope for her sake she finds a studio that has other dancers closer to her talent level.


Whether a parent gives their kid private lessons and extra classes to help them keep up with the majority of their peers or whether it is so the kid can move ahead or whether it is just to tire the kid out so she's not bouncing off the walls at home, it's really nobody else's business and I don't see why it should bother anyone else.


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dancermom28

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Reply with quote  #34 
Quote:
Originally Posted by gymmommy71
Re: the analogy of the other mom getting privates being like a kid getting tutoring to keep up in math at school, I don't think it's quite the same from what I read.  I'd say the better analogy is that two kids were in 2nd grade, kid A was so gifted and smart that they wanted her to skip to 4th grade when kid B was just on pace to move to 3rd after 2nd w/ the vast majority of the other kids. Kid B's parent went and got kid B all kind of extra tutoring and basically taught her 3rd grade on the side so she could move up to 4th too w/ kid A. So now the school thinks both kids are gifted, when in reality only kid A is gifted. In the long run, this strategy may actually be detrimental to kid B, cause at some point she may not be able to live up to the teacher's expectations when she can't make up for her shortcomings w/ extra secret tutoring. Now had mom B been getting her kid tutoring just so she could move to 3rd grade when she was doing so poorly in 2nd that they were considering having her repeat 2nd grade, now that would be a little different. I actually totally understand why the OP is annoyed by what the other mom did.


Hmm... not really. Any extra classes to improve or to help a child get better why would it annoy anyone else?? For example, if you were to use the examples you gave, then should a student not get tutoring on the SAT to get a better score? I know of many people who get tutors outside of school to get ahead not when the kid is in need of help (which I never understood this concept). Perhaps, us outside looking in the OP we can see some of the things she wrote doesn't seem right, kid getting outside help, who does it harm? 
The studio director telling the OP the wrongs of another mom, totally unprofessional. If the Studio director is like that, then I think the studio is the problem honestly. Even thought the mom sounds a bit off kilter personality A type.
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meatball77

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Reply with quote  #35 
The only time that type of thing is bad is when it puts a kid in a class that they can't handle because the tutoring puts them into a position they can't handle (like if a kid is prepped for a gifted program by practicing on the exact test they're going to take).  If the tutoring just helps the kid get more skills then who cares. 

A dancer taking more classes (private or otherwise) just makes the kid a better dancer.  It doesn't make it unfair or show a unfair picture to teachers, dance isn't like prepping a kid with the exact questions they'll face on a test.  The kid is a better dancer, the way they got there isn't relevant.  It matters how you look in class and on stage.
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My2DanceLoves

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Reply with quote  #36 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom2Girls
I am friendly with moms at dance but wouldn't call any friends. My daughter's best friend's mom is the one I have the most time with, and already we are having some issues--my dd skipped a whole level, her dd did not. Little passive, aggressive jabs have started coming. How her daughter is more well-rounded. How the promotion must have boiled down to a "numbers thing." Then my daughter got more parts for Nutcracker and it has continued/escalated. I won't say every time I get close to a dance mom it ends up like this, but I will say it has happened more than once. These aren't the crazy moms who are consumed with their kids' dance life. These are successful women who seem totally normal.

As far as the extras, I see nothing wrong with dancers who are motivated pursuing whatever they can. Even if it is more mom than the kid, that isn't really anyone's business. 
 

I have kind of decided that it is a deliberate decision to NOT get on that bus to Crazy Town.  I think we all question things sometimes.  Sometimes there is legitimate reason to question it , and question it we should.  But I think most times you have to be able to look at a situation honestly and decide if what your questioning has to do DIRECTLY with your child and your child only.  Just like we preach to our kids not to compare themselves to others , we have to follow that same policy and not compare what our kids are doing with what other kids are.  It sucks that the one woman you connected with is acting as she is.  It doesn't sound like she has boarded the bus yet, but I hope she gets over herself and the passive/aggressive dies off.  Sorry to hear you have this going on in the background of what looks to be a great year for your DD's. 



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kmpmom

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Reply with quote  #37 
As i mentioned a while back on another stream, I allowed myself to be dragged onto the bus to Crazy Town a few seasons ago, even though I never found the seats very comfortable.  Gradually it became obvious that this was not a healthy situation and fortunately for us there was a straw/camel's back moment and we were able to take a quick step off the bus and never got back on. Even when the bus pulled up right outside my door this past week, I just waved and smiled.

In life, there will always be friends or colleagues that seem to get ahead for no known reason, and others who do whatever they can to get into YOUR shoes and gripe and grumble about what they perceive you have and how you got it.  It's a good time now, when their young, to teach our kids that reality. Yes, you need to have the gumption to go after things; and yes, you need to push yourself for what you want, but you also have to accept that some stuff just "is", and even when it's not fair, it still just "is".  As the old saying goes, 'grant yourself the strength to accept the things you cannot change; the courage to change the things you can; and the wisdom to know the difference".  The dance studio is as good a place as any to get started.

Step away from that mom.  Step away from the situation.  Focus on your child and you'll be amazed how the rest of it disappears into the mist.
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heidi459

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Reply with quote  #38 
Quote:
Originally Posted by kmpmom
As i mentioned a while back on another stream, I allowed myself to be dragged onto the bus to Crazy Town a few seasons ago, even though I never found the seats very comfortable.  .


One of the best lines ever [rofl]
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Curandera

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Reply with quote  #39 
I think some of my best mom dance friends are moms with dancers that are better than mine.  I have no problem with their dancers being better dancers than my child.  I love to see good dancing.  I am in awe of it.  I also don't see anything wrong with dancers getting outside tutoring, taking more conventions, getting good parts.  Their parents have decided they have enough money and/or willing to invest in it and their kids have done well with it, and/or their kids are just naturally better dancers than mine .  It's all to the good.

In fact, I think it is better for my daughter to be surrounded by great dancers.  She learns more, is challenged more.  She can get complacent when she is the best in a group.

I have found resentment from some moms with dancers that have less ability than mine. They take offense because I am involved with my daughter's dance (don't I have a life, a job, a family, am I made of money? - yes, yes, yes, no), her taking more classes, her or I volunteering for things at the dance studio, my ability to talk to the studio owner with a lot of words left out and inside jokes (my dd has been competing with her studio for 9 year now - we have a shared history!).  When they feel like trying to hurt my feelings or my daughters, we just smile and slowly back away.

I for one would be much happier if they just talk behind our backs rather than confront us.  After all, what is the response to "your daughter is the teacher's favorite because you spend so much money here." I guess the hours of working hard in all her classes, hours practicing at home, at competitions, helping others, being friendly has nothing to do with her teacher being nice to my daughter?  My dd is not even a featured dancer in many of the routines and is often in the back because she is comparatively tall.  Although the teacher takes pains to give everyone a chance at the front in routines.

There is good and there is bad.  At the end, there is my daughter dancing because she loves to dance. The rest is just stories that make us laugh now or will eventually make us laugh. [smile]
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rosefairy

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Reply with quote  #40 
Quote:
Originally Posted by gymmommy71
Re: the analogy of the other mom getting privates being like a kid getting tutoring to keep up in math at school, I don't think it's quite the same from what I read. Sounds like OPs daughter was advancing at a very fast rate - skipping levels, etc., where the natural course of things for the other moms kid was for her to progress just normally w/ kids her same age. I think this other mom saw the OP's kid advancing at a faster pace, and had to make sure that her kid advanced just as fast and was seen as a standout talent too (when actually she really wasn't, she was just taking a ton of extra secret privates somewhere else to make herself appear more talented).


I believe your response to this is spot on!  I too am all for kids to advance, the more classes they take the better they are.  It was the WAY she went about doing it.  It was in secret, at another studio, and yes, it was deliberately done to make her kid appear more talented than she is.  That's why it wasn't appreciated - not the fact that she had privates.  If I could afford privates, I would do the same.  However, I would do it at our own studio, not elsewhere.

The mother put her own DD into a position of false security.  For the graded classes where there was a set syllabus, she was able to improve, because she went over and over the work that was set.  But in other free classes, she fell behind because she does not have the capacity to pick things up quicky, nor execute them without hours of additional practice. The mother always forced my DD to help her out.  My DD helped whenever asked (she was scared not to), without question and without complaining.  Consequently, her DD was never chosen for little shows done by the studio where they had to learn routines quickly. In any audition, with a 3rd party, she never made it because she could not pick it up fast enough.  Her mother would be furious with her, and make the kid feel so bad.  She was often in tears.  The kid was so scared of not meeting her mother's expecations.  So it is not fair on the kid to put so much pressure on her.

As for the SO speaking to me about this mother, I don't think it was unprofessional on her part at all.  In fact it was humaine on her part for keeping the other DD for so long. I am quite good friends with the SO, not besties my any means, but our two boys are besties at the studio, and do all of their classes together. I was also a dancer, and my sister also has her own dancing studio, so I have a very different connection to the SO as opposed to most other mothers.  She respects me a lot and values my opinion.  We would always chat while waiting for our kids class, and we would discuss a lot of the business side of the studio as well. So our relationship was very different to that of a regular dance mom.

In saying that, I came to her, because I found myself in a situation where I did not want to talk to others mother's about it, but I was very uncomfortable at the position my DD and I were in.  So I think it is very normal to speak directly to the SO about a problem at the studio.  She knew I was very good friends with this mother, and I was concerned that I was 'guilty by association' so I needed to set the record straight with SO.  I was at a loss on how to deal with it all, so as the SO I came to her with my problem. At that time, she confirmed that she had had many other complaints, and that she did not put me into the same basket as her.  SO was always, I repeat, always worried about the other DD, and that's why she put up with the mother for so long, and the fact that I defended her.  As i said, she valued my opinion.  SO came to me at the end, more or less to give me the heads up on what was about to go down so that I could prepare myself. It was a courtesy to me becaue she knew I was going to take a lot of the heat.  She was in tears, and so was I, because we both love the kid.

Before anyone thinks it - my DD does not get ahead because of my relationship with the SO.  In fact it was her talent, that brought me closer to the SO.  My son does not get any privileges - he was moved up when he should have been, and kept back when he should have been.  I believe they are very fair on their choices when it comes to talent, and never succumb to pressure from parents when it comes to this.

 

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happytappyfeet

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Reply with quote  #41 
I'm not sure if I understand everything that's going on at your studio, but it does sound like there were at least two moms who were on the crazy train -- the one who went crazy on you and the other one who I think was the one getting her DD extra lessons outside the studio. If there was a known policy that 'forbid' her from taking outside classes, then she has to be willing to accept the consequences. I think it's stupid, but if she knew it going in, then she signed up for stupid. I don't get your point about it being "deliberately done to make her kid appear more talented than she is." Maybe you could classify her getting her DD extra help with syllabus work as helping build her DD's confidence and not giving her kid "false security". I'm not defending this mother, but just give you another way of looking at it.

It does sound like your relationship with the SO could be a source of drama for some other moms, even though your children do not get special treatment because of it. I get that you may have a connection with the SO that others don't, but the SO should be very careful not to discuss other parents and dancers with you. It's unprofessional regardless of your relationship with her or your relationship with the other parents.

ETA: Also, I do think it is entirely possible to have close friendships with other DMs. MY best friend is a fellow DM. I can and do tell her everything and trust her implicitly. I have seen friendships where one or both gossip about the other, but I guess I am one of the lucky ones.

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Dancinandlovinit

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Reply with quote  #42 
I absolutely don't know the whole story but I'll be honest and say that if everyone just worried about their own kid versus everyone else's, we'd all be better for it.  
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my2miracles

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Reply with quote  #43 
Quote:
Originally Posted by happytappyfeet


It does sound like your relationship with the SO could be a source of drama for some other moms, even though your children do not get special treatment because of it. I get that you may have a connection with the SO that others don't, but the SO should be very careful not to discuss other parents and dancers with you. It's unprofessional regardless of your relationship with her or your relationship with the other parents.



This is an issue with me too.   I would be very  upset if I found out SO was talking negatively about me to ANY of the other moms.  I don't care what their relationship or background is.  If they are not a member of the studio staff it is completely inappropriate!!!!!!!
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classydance

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Reply with quote  #44 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dancinandlovinit
I absolutely don't know the whole story but I'll be honest and say that if everyone just worried about their own kid versus everyone else's, we'd all be better for it.  


This.
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Suzit42

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Reply with quote  #45 
Quote:
Originally Posted by my2miracles
Quote:
Originally Posted by happytappyfeet


It does sound like your relationship with the SO could be a source of drama for some other moms, even though your children do not get special treatment because of it. I get that you may have a connection with the SO that others don't, but the SO should be very careful not to discuss other parents and dancers with you. It's unprofessional regardless of your relationship with her or your relationship with the other parents.



This is an issue with me too.   I would be very  upset if I found out SO was talking negatively about me to ANY of the other moms.  I don't care what their relationship or background is.  If they are not a member of the studio staff it is completely inappropriate!!!!!!!


I agree. Your close relationship with your SO may be completely innocent. But I'm betting that other parents do not perceive it like that. The problem is, they are paying customers too. When an SO or DT get too "chummy" with certain parents, they tend to spend more time with them and less time building relationships with all of their parents. That breeds jealousy, resentment and lots of other things that can poison a studio. That is where it gets to be unprofessional. It's a very slippery slope and can happen before you realize it. Is it possible that this is part of the reason for the level of crazy at the studio? I would recommend that you stop SO immediately if she starts talking about other parents. It's not ethical and isn't really fair to you.

We have a similar situation growing at our studio. I have found it best to not be at the studio any longer than I need to. And there are a few moms that I was quite friendly with, that I try to avoid or change the topic of conversation to non dance topics if possible.
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ellebee0

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Reply with quote  #46 
Not much to add, but your topic title really hits home
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