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Mom2Girls

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Reply with quote  #26 
Deleted my post because I felt it was too revealing.
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Angel2228

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Reply with quote  #27 
Worst case scenario is that the mom thinks you are in their business and is forever mad at you.
Best case is that maybe she didn't notice, and does need a few people to hint to her to check it out.
When my brother was born he always threw up. My step mom kept taking him in to the hospital and they kept getting sent home.
She saw him everyday and didn't notice he was losing weight. A few weeks later, when we went to my grandmas for the night two hours away, she took a look at him and said he was too skinny. We had supper, and my grandma kept talking and we went back to town that night at midnight. The doctor said he wouldn't have made it through the night. He had a valve in his stomach that wasn't closing properly. And because my step mom saw him everyday and the doctors said he was fine she thought it was. And my grandma could have listened to the mom and tried not to hurt her feelings as the mother in law. But she didn't, and my brother is alive and healthy.
So as much as it would suck for her her to hear it again for the millionth time that her dd has lost a lot of weight, it would suck even more to lose her when it could have been prevented.
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dncemom01

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Reply with quote  #28 
My dd is 14. She has always fluctuated in her sizes depending on where she is in her growth cycle. She does the typical putting on weight and then slimming way down as she grows taller. She has gone between a 00 to a 0 to a 1 and back to a 00 in the last two years. When she was little they did a bone scan on her because she didn't grow much and they wanted to make sure her bones were growing properly. She made up for it her 6th grade year when she grew 4 inches and got so skinny that even her 00 wouldn't stay up without a belt My son never fluctuated, he has always grown straight up and has had issues putting on weight.
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heidi459

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Reply with quote  #29 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Angel2228
Worst case scenario is that the mom thinks you are in their business and is forever mad at you. Best case is that maybe she didn't notice, and does need a few people to hint to her to check it out. When my brother was born he always threw up. My step mom kept taking him in to the hospital and they kept getting sent home. She saw him everyday and didn't notice he was losing weight. A few weeks later, when we went to my grandmas for the night two hours away, she took a look at him and said he was too skinny. We had supper, and my grandma kept talking and we went back to town that night at midnight. The doctor said he wouldn't have made it through the night. He had a valve in his stomach that wasn't closing properly. And because my step mom saw him everyday and the doctors said he was fine she thought it was. And my grandma could have listened to the mom and tried not to hurt her feelings as the mother in law. But she didn't, and my brother is alive and healthy. So as much as it would suck for her her to hear it again for the millionth time that her dd has lost a lot of weight, it would suck even more to lose her when it could have been prevented.


But the issue that has been raised isn't that mom's feelings might be hurt.  The issue is that it is not the place of a random seamstress.. who really knows nothing about this child and her family... to assume that this child has an eating disorder and start a chain reaction that could do more harm then good.  It's this assumption that some casual observation by someone who is essentially a stranger is going to somehow make this mom 'see the light'.  Especially given that it's not even clear that there is a light that needs to be seen.

Also... in response to all this talk about how maybe mom hasn't noticed... this child is what?  12?  Who do we think buys her clothes?  And let's remember.. she's a dancer.  Which, as others have pointed out, means she wears tiny, revealing clothing. Do we really think it's possible that mom hasn't noticed that her clothes are baggy/falling off of her... or that she's now buying clothing that's 2-3 sizes smaller then she'd been buying? 

IDK  Some of these responses just sound so overly dramatic to me.  And as I listen to the thought processes of some here I wonder where exactly some of you folks would draw the line.  Or maybe there is no line for some.  Maybe as long as some can convince themselves that there is even the slightest chance that your suspicion might be right...and that your drive by intervention could be THE thing that ultimately saves someone... it doesn't matter whether it's intrusive or inappropriate.  

Now... let's just imagine for a minute if everyone felt that way?  A society with no boundaries whatsoever.  Wouldn't that be fun.


eta:  and this is not to say that nothing should EVER be said.  That nothing could ever make an important difference.  I'm just talking about doing some critical thinking before making such serious assumptions.  
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melissa745

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Reply with quote  #30 
While I mostly agree with Heidi, one of my students (high school science) has just returned from an in patient eating disorder clinic. Her mother told me that she was in denial for a long time about what she was seeing, that she wishes she had intervened sooner. So I can't help but wonder if even the smallest comment might help the mother take stock?

I totally agree it should be a very natural, non-intervention thing. "Hey, I noticed that she's three costume sizes small this year. I'm going to have to alter her costumes a lot, so it may take a bit longer.." Etc. then the focus is on the costumes (your job) while still allowing the mother to see what you are seeing.
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LittleMonkeyMom

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Reply with quote  #31 
Wow!  Thank you so much for all your thoughtful responses!  I really appreciate hearing everyone's thoughts & ideas!

I have thought about the situation further myself, and I am planning to mention to the mother that her dd has dropped 3 costumes sizes & ask how she'd like me to proceed refitting costumes. I will leave it at that, rather than suggesting that I am concerned or asking if anything is wrong. 

Also, I should have pointed out that I did speak with the SO, and she suggested that I speak with the mother.  While the SO does share my concerns, all she feels she can say to the mother is that her dd  appears to have lost weight, whereas I can provide the mother with exact size & measurement changes. 

Thank you all again -- I really appreciate the help!!  
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Psmom

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Reply with quote  #32 
Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleMonkeyMom
Wow!  Thank you so much for all your thoughtful responses!  I really appreciate hearing everyone's thoughts & ideas!

I have thought about the situation further myself, and I am planning to mention to the mother that her dd has dropped 3 costumes sizes & ask how she'd like me to proceed refitting costumes. I will leave it at that, rather than suggesting that I am concerned or asking if anything is wrong. 

Also, I should have pointed out that I did speak with the SO, and she suggested that I speak with the mother.  While the SO does share my concerns, all she feels she can say to the mother is that her dd  appears to have lost weight, whereas I can provide the mother with exact size & measurement changes. 

Thank you all again -- I really appreciate the help!!  


This sounds very reasonable to me. Your conversation is focusing on altering costumes which is your job and not on the dancers weight. I can understand your concern for the girl. I've been in the same position with friends of my 2 daughters. I never voiced my concerns to any of the mothers. I think if it's an eating disorder then mom knows. I know one mom who said she was concerned to another mom about that moms then 13 year old. The moms were next door neighbors and best friends. It permanently ended that friendship. The girl was severely anorexic and was hospitalized a short time after the conversation but her mom was not willing to forgive her friend for what she considered an invasion of privacy. A second girl was openly talking about her disordered eating rituals to other girls in our dance studio. She was already a petite girl but still lost close to 30lbs in about 2 1/2 months. The ballet mistress spoke to her mom and the mom was angry enough to pull her daughter out of dance completely. I just don't think Moms want to hear it because either they're already aware and fearful or they are codependent and play a role in the disorder. Not jumping to conclusions, I know this was the case for sure in both of these cases. And the 3rd girl I knew with an eating disorder died from it. She was a friend of my youngest daughter and died a few days after being released from a treatment center for eating disorders. She had been making good progress but her health insurance decided to refuse to continue paying for the second half of the program. So you can see it's just not a simple issue and bringing it up to the mom isn't likely to be helpful.
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Sabrina

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Reply with quote  #33 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Psmom
Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleMonkeyMom
Wow!  Thank you so much for all your thoughtful responses!  I really appreciate hearing everyone's thoughts & ideas!

I have thought about the situation further myself, and I am planning to mention to the mother that her dd has dropped 3 costumes sizes & ask how she'd like me to proceed refitting costumes. I will leave it at that, rather than suggesting that I am concerned or asking if anything is wrong. 

Also, I should have pointed out that I did speak with the SO, and she suggested that I speak with the mother.  While the SO does share my concerns, all she feels she can say to the mother is that her dd  appears to have lost weight, whereas I can provide the mother with exact size & measurement changes. 

Thank you all again -- I really appreciate the help!!  
This sounds very reasonable to me. Your conversation is focusing on altering costumes which is your job and not on the dancers weight. I can understand your concern for the girl. I've been in the same position with friends of my 2 daughters. I never voiced my concerns to any of the mothers. I think if it's an eating disorder then mom knows. I know one mom who said she was concerned to another mom about that moms then 13 year old. The moms were next door neighbors and best friends. It permanently ended that friendship. The girl was severely anorexic and was hospitalized a short time after the conversation but her mom was not willing to forgive her friend for what she considered an invasion of privacy. A second girl was openly talking about her disordered eating rituals to other girls in our dance studio. She was already a petite girl but still lost close to 30lbs in about 2 1/2 months. The ballet mistress spoke to her mom and the mom was angry enough to pull her daughter out of dance completely. I just don't think Moms want to hear it because either they're already aware and fearful or they are codependent and play a role in the disorder. Not jumping to conclusions, I know this was the case for sure in both of these cases. And the 3rd girl I knew with an eating disorder died from it. She was a friend of my youngest daughter and died a few days after being released from a treatment center for eating disorders. She had been making good progress but her health insurance decided to refuse to continue paying for the second half of the program. So you can see it's just not a simple issue and bringing it up to the mom isn't likely to be helpful.


I agree with this.  Pointing out the alterations without judging makes sense.  The point that seems to be missed is dramatic weight loss occuring since October.  Sure, puberty hits and some girls gain or lose weight, but this seems extreme.  

A few years ago, we had a teen dancer who went from a muscular 5'5" 120 lbs down to about 95 lbs.  The difference was startling.  Mom thought she looked "okay".  She was eating fine. It was Non-Hodgkins lymphoma.  Two rounds of chemo and bone marrow treatment and she lived.   
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prancer

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Reply with quote  #34 
Sounds like a great approach LittleMonkeyMom.  Good luck.  I think you are doing the right thing in a very reasonable way.[like]
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DanceMomLaura

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Reply with quote  #35 
Quote:
Originally Posted by heidi459
IDK... I'm a little uncomfortable w/how quickly some would make an assumption here.  The child has lost weight, clearly.  But why?  That's anyone's guess.  She could be dealing with a medical issue for all we know.

Me?  If I were to say anything it would be something as innocent as "I couldn't help but take note that Suzie had gone down almost 3 dress sizes since June.  I hope she's been feeling ok."  The end.

I've had more than one friend who had to deal with others expressing their "concern" over their dds' weight and, believe me, it didn't sit well with them at all.  There's nothing wrong with looking out for one another but I think we also need to be very careful not to overstep our boundaries.



I agree with this 100% and this is how I would handle it as well.
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dancermom28

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Reply with quote  #36 
Honestly, I wouldn't say anything to the parent. My daughter was very thin and underweight(on average) for a long time, pediatrician was not too worried since may daughter was fine. Several mom's at the dance studio kept making remarks to my daughter that she needs to eat more or she will be ugly. My daughter had enough of it , and I curtly told the mom's to stop saying anything related to may daughter figure, looks etc. and to just back off. The mom's still kept making the comments, and I finally made a snide remark to one of the mother of her figure after she made the comments, and she finally understood and backed off on the comments.

You are not a doctor, therefore you can't make the assumption that she has an eating disorder. Kids at that age, thin out when they have growth spurts. The pediatrician will let the parents know if something is seriously wrong.
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Angel2228

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Reply with quote  #37 
Sorry it was late when I wrote this. My main point was that seeing someone everyday you may not notice a difference in their appearance since it is gradual. Seems like op didn't even really notice until she saw it on paper. But just mentioning it to the mother wouldn't hurt. My grandma could have assumed my step mom was making her son sick for attention. It's not her place and it's not anyone's place to jump to any conclusion. I do agree that you shouldn't ever tell anyone that you suspect an eating disorder, not even SO. The facts are that she lost a lot of weight, and it could mean any sort of health issues, or it could just be genetics. Criticizing some one about the way they look is never ok. But mentioning a fact to me is different and could actually help someone who may not have noticed, or is in denial.
Quote:
Originally Posted by heidi459
Quote:
Originally Posted by Angel2228
Worst case scenario is that the mom thinks you are in their business and is forever mad at you. Best case is that maybe she didn't notice, and does need a few people to hint to her to check it out. When my brother was born he always threw up. My step mom kept taking him in to the hospital and they kept getting sent home. She saw him everyday and didn't notice he was losing weight. A few weeks later, when we went to my grandmas for the night two hours away, she took a look at him and said he was too skinny. We had supper, and my grandma kept talking and we went back to town that night at midnight. The doctor said he wouldn't have made it through the night. He had a valve in his stomach that wasn't closing properly. And because my step mom saw him everyday and the doctors said he was fine she thought it was. And my grandma could have listened to the mom and tried not to hurt her feelings as the mother in law. But she didn't, and my brother is alive and healthy. So as much as it would suck for her her to hear it again for the millionth time that her dd has lost a lot of weight, it would suck even more to lose her when it could have been prevented.


But the issue that has been raised isn't that mom's feelings might be hurt.  The issue is that it is not the place of a random seamstress.. who really knows nothing about this child and her family... to assume that this child has an eating disorder and start a chain reaction that could do more harm then good.  It's this assumption that some casual observation by someone who is essentially a stranger is going to somehow make this mom 'see the light'.  Especially given that it's not even clear that there is a light that needs to be seen.

Also... in response to all this talk about how maybe mom hasn't noticed... this child is what?  12?  Who do we think buys her clothes?  And let's remember.. she's a dancer.  Which, as others have pointed out, means she wears tiny, revealing clothing. Do we really think it's possible that mom hasn't noticed that her clothes are baggy/falling off of her... or that she's now buying clothing that's 2-3 sizes smaller then she'd been buying? 

IDK  Some of these responses just sound so overly dramatic to me.  And as I listen to the thought processes of some here I wonder where exactly some of you folks would draw the line.  Or maybe there is no line for some.  Maybe as long as some can convince themselves that there is even the slightest chance that your suspicion might be right...and that your drive by intervention could be THE thing that ultimately saves someone... it doesn't matter whether it's intrusive or inappropriate.  

Now... let's just imagine for a minute if everyone felt that way?  A society with no boundaries whatsoever.  Wouldn't that be fun.


eta:  and this is not to say that nothing should EVER be said.  That nothing could ever make an important difference.  I'm just talking about doing some critical thinking before making such serious assumptions.  
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Dancinandlovinit

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Reply with quote  #38 
(Surprisingly to me) I also agree with Heidi.  As a costume fitter you are in a position to notice a change like that and I don't think it's out of line for you to say something.  Either very casually to the mom as Heidi suggested, or perhaps to the SO, or have the SO at a fitting so the comment can come from her and not you. 

We have dealt with this at our studio. 
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Granny

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Reply with quote  #39 
A mother would know before anyone else that her child has become frighteningly thin. I think that the seamstress has a good opening to speak to the parent because she has dropped costume sizes. But what is there to say? "Did you notice that your child is thin?" Of course, she notices and I am sure is very worried and likely seeking help. Unless you have some useful information to offer, such as a program that you have heard good things about, I don't know that it makes much sense to tell this mother what is plainly obvious...unless she is a friend and may need support.

My own daughter at this age suddenly became thin and concerned about what she ate. I didn't make a fuss. What I did was add butter to mashed potatoes for example and extra cheese to her pizza and give her the odd rich dessert. I didn't want her to get comfortable being very thin. I nipped it in the bud but had it not worked, I would have taken her immediately for therapy. She has always been slim and physically active. And she had the anorexia character traits such as determination, setting high goals for herself, needing to be in control and being a high achiever. She also did not have a good relationship with her father; another factor. Today as an adult, she is very disciplined and is slim-normal weight...and still a high achiever, driven and successful. 
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