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momofdanceobsessed

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Reply with quote  #1 
I know things like this go on at every studio but this situation seems to just be escalating so thought I would throw it out for some opinions. My dancertificate is 14 and has been on team for 3 years. She was a late starter at 9 but has worked very hard and has excelled in dance. There is another girl her age who has been at the studio since age 3. Before my daughter came she was the star of everything. Even my daughter's first year on team this girl was the star. We always have been supportive of her...going to watch her solos and cheering her on. My daughter never resented her featured parts. They were good friends and was given a duet a few years ago which really bonded them. Last year they both had solos. My daughter placed in the overalls at most competitions...the other dancer did not. I started seeing a change in her and her mother last year. Her mom is constantly asking me questions about my daughter and what she is doing. Even how she is wearing her hair and what she will wear at conventions, etc. Another mom heard this mother asking my daughter's choreographer about her solo and if she was leaving in a skill my daughter was having trouble with. The child seems to want to compete with my child over everything...even relationships with other girls. It is totally causing some tension. And my daughter is seeing this mom and her daughter inviting her friends to do things and excluding my child. It almost feels like they are trying to outcast her. This mom has always thought the world revolved around her child and is the bragging type but I hate that everything has to be a competition. Is there a classy way to deal? I don't go to the studio often. I drop and go and pick up at the door. She used to text me talking about EVERYONE but I shut that down by not participating. I wish that they could all just support each other. It is going to be a long season.
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dancemonkey

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Reply with quote  #2 
Find new friends and don't get involved. She's 14. Time to get over it. In 5 years she'll be off to college and competitions and conventions won't mean anything except your pocketbook will be lighter from all the money you put out
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Mamala

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Reply with quote  #3 
I sympathize with your situation, but unfortunately I dont think there's too much you can do about it. There are these ultra competitive types at every studio. It's just in their personality, so no matter what is said or done they most likely will not change any time soon. I think deep down these parents must just have some deep rooted insecurities, and they feel validated by their children's successes. Obviously when your DD joined the team she was a threat because she was outscoring her DD in competitions. Now it seems she's obsessing over making sure her DD gets that top spot back. In a twisted way she feels angry that your DD is doing so well so she's taking out her anger by excluding her in activities. Try not to take it personally. People like this are so insecure and it's pretty sad that this mother seems to have nothing much going on in her own life and has to live through her DD. As long as she's not doing anything to sabotage your DD then I'd just try to ignore it all. I'd hope that she doesnt have enough power around there to get the other girls against her even if she tries. Ignore it. Stay far away from the studio like you're already doing. There's nothing you can do to change the way she sees things.
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momofdanceobsessed

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Reply with quote  #4 
It is a small studio. It is hard because they are in every class and every dance together. She does have other friends but it is just a shame they all can't get along.
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prancer

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Reply with quote  #5 
Maybe the girls can be friends and just ignore the difficult mother. I've seen moms with issues that don't reflect their daughters' feelings. I would do your best to ignore the other mom. At 14, I bet you can avoid seeing eachothwr as most girls this age just like to be dropped off.
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Suzit42

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Reply with quote  #6 
The excluding thing is not cool. I would talk to the mom and tell her that you have noticed that the girls aren't as close as they once were. Ask her if she has noticed it too. Then ask her if she has any idea why and if there is anything that your daughter has done to harm the friendship. Even if you know your kid hasn't done anything wrong. She will probably deny it but you will have let her know that you see what is going on.

I certainly hope your DDs choreographer did not talk to this mom about your kids solo. If she did, that is not professional and needs to be addressed.

We are at a similar kind of studio. Pretty small and all the teammates are in the same dances and classes. If the kids are having relationship problems, it's hard to avoid. I would address this with SO. I'm sure she already knows that this mom is a pita. SO needs to give the girls the message that excluding in the studio and at comps is not acceptable. As the girls get older, the drama level goes down. That is what is happened on my DD17s team.

Best of luck.
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momofdanceobsessed

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Reply with quote  #7 
This mom sits up at the studio in the lobby all night every night and every weekend during rehearsals. If I go in it is impossible to avoid her. She has even been known to sit at the window and watch my child's solo rehearsal. She is a known nosey mom for sure.

I heard that choreographer just blew her off and did not talk about my daughter's solo with her. I think her and her daughter both have had a hard time having other girls with talent move into the studio after her being such a star (and only in her age group) for so long. The SO won't get involved in anything like this so no need to talk to her about it. There was a case of blatant bullying going on at one time and she wouldn't even intervene on that?
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JojosDanceMom

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Reply with quote  #8 
A bit different, yet similar, situation happened to my DD when she was little.  I've mentioned that DD was invited to the competition team when she was 5 and within a couple of classes it was evident that she wasn't ready, focus wise.  Initially the group was supposed to be a small group of 4, but DD and another little boy where told to wait another year, so the group became a duet.  The duet competed in one competition that year, but that was enough to make the other girl's mom feel like her daughter had a special bond with the SO's niece.

The next year DD was definitely ready... and it was quickly discovered that DD was a bit more "naturally gifted" than the other two, so she came from being kicked off the team for lack of focus one season, to being the "star" of their little trio the next.  Well, the other little girl's mom did not like that at all.  I think she thought her and her DD still had a leg up on my DD because they had an extra year of competing.  Which also meant she had a special connection to the SO's niece.  Which meant, in her mind, better things for her DD.  So when she realized that DD was a better dancer that her DD she started talking about me to the SO's SIL... and then she even started talking about my DD (mind you this woman had known me for years prior to this... the SO's SIL basically just met me when DD started company.  So the SO's SIL had no reason to doubt what this woman was saying).

DD didn't understand why this little girl was suddenly being so mean to her... but she just kept going and doing her thing.  I would continue to have the normal small talk with the SO's SIL in the waiting room.  It was frustrating, but I didn't get involved accept to talk with my DD when she was upset by the other little girl.  It was a rough time, but before long it was clear what was going on.  The other little girl ended up quitting a few years later... when she realized that her actions were only making her look bad and that the truth prevailed.
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momofdanceobsessed

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Reply with quote  #9 
Thank you Jojo! Sounds very similar to what is going on with us. Unfortunately the girl is also trying to pull other girls over to "her side" too it sounds. But I am telling my daughter to just continue to be kind to everyone and they will see what is going on eventually. My daughter is just concerned she will be left out of everything by these two but I don't think that will happen...at least I hope not!
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tappinmom

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Reply with quote  #10 
DS joined his second studio at 9.  All the kids in his company had pretty much been there since they were 2 or 3 years old.  There was one mom in particular who took a dislike to us right off the bat.  Her DD wasn't the greatest dancer and when we joined DS was placed in higher groups then her DD.  That started it.  She actually said that her DD deserved to be advanced because she had been there longer.  That year DS was not allowed to be part of the production because it was something being carried over from the previous year's recital number.  Her DD had been in the recital number so was in the comp production.  She threw that up in my face right quick let me tell you.  She was very happy at the thought that she had something we didn't.  It continued when DS was given a duet and her DD wasn't (they are invite only at our studio as are solos and trios and really the whole company).  When DS was asked to take his ballet exams his first year at the studio she was livid because after 6 years her DD had never been asked.  Then when he was advanced to senior and her DD wasn't she complained to the SO.  Finally when he was asked at 14 to be a student assistant and actually allowed to teach classes when the DT was busy or away that was the final draw for her.  She questioned me about why DS was picked and what made him so special.  I had always tried to be friendly with her because we are a small studio and I didn't want any drama.  During that conversation I told her if she had questions about the associates program she needed to ask the SO.  She did and they left the studio that year.  Looking back I wish I had shut her down in the very beginning but I let her go on until the very end.
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momofdanceobsessed

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Reply with quote  #11 
Tappinmom yes it definitely sounds similar. Alot of the moms at our studio love to play the "we have been here longer" card to try and say they deserve things. Happens all the time! I just listen and go on about my business. We teach our child that hard work earns you things. Unfortunately other parents don't do that always.
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Mamala

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Reply with quote  #12 
It's so sad what jealousy can do to people.
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Dancingdd

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Reply with quote  #13 
This is only one of many reasons I would never put DD in a comp studio. You don't need to compete to be an excellent dancer. Why even add it in. That being said, I hope your daughter is strong enough to not let her affect her beyond how it already has.
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EJIDance

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Reply with quote  #14 
Dancingdd, my dds are not at a competition studio but things like this will still go on whenever there are uber-competitive parents who then raise uber-competitive children. There is always healthy competition in growing up. And then there is always the unhealthy kind. Welcome the first, avoid the other.
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nodrama15

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Reply with quote  #15 

It's called jealousy and it sucks.  We have dealt with situations similar to yours.  My view is that the parents are the main catalyst for the drama....and that filters down to the kids.  I try to take the high road, as tough as it is.  And when my daughter kicks ass at a comp, and I watch as some of those parents look like they are going to explode...that gives me satisfaction :-)

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nicknoralove

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Reply with quote  #16 
This is awful. Unfortunately this is the way the world is with girls this age, no matter what they're doing. There are PITA moms in all situations, whether it be school, dance, cheer, softball or just general social settings.

It's sad that there are parents out there who have insecurities and cause tension between children. All you can really do is tell your daughter to keep working hard and being nice to everyone. Eventually it will pay off for her. It's hard though to watch your child feel hurt by the actions of others. I really feel for you and I'm sorry you both have to go through this.



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cram

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Reply with quote  #17 
I feel your pain. Yes, both of my DDs have gone through this at age 13 and 14. It is an unfortunately life lesson. However, there is nothing you can do about it. I just told them that they need to feel sorry for people who value winning over friendships. Whom you thought was your friend (and that includes me thinking the mothers were mine) showed their true colors. The only thing I can tell you is that now that my eldest is 16 going on 17 it seems as if the girls in her group are not directly competitive. They are not best friends, but they do have a sort of respect towards each other. While they all train to excel, they do not feel threatened by each other. They take turns winning and they try to work on their own self-improvement. It is a nice change and they have matured into great young ladies. I mean, it is not a perfect world, since the incidents of being excluded from things they are still not included in some of their 'clics' most of the time, but my kids have learned they prefer to hang out with a couple of real friends than a group of fake ones:-)
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2girls

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Reply with quote  #18 

I am so sorry you are going through this. My DD went through something very similar to you and JoJo. We were also at a very small studio, so it was hard not to see. Unfortunately it went on for years, beginning at about 8-9yo with two very mean dancers and their equally mean mothers. Jealousy is an evil beast. My DD handled it very well by not engaging. We had a lot of talks about jealousy, relational aggression, and the hope that someday the girls would grow up. We also talked about how it was hard because these girls were taught to be mean by their mothers. My DD is now 16 years old. Both mean girls eventually grew up and apologized to my DD (at different times)! Both mothers continue to be mean women, always with a smile and passive aggressive dialogue. I avoid them as much as I can. The original mean girl left our studio, but we see them at all of the competitions. The second one and my DD have competed a duo the past two years and are friends. My DD loves her and has forgiven her. I have a lot of respect for the girls for owning their bad behavior. I credit other dancers who wouldn't join the mean girls and schools educating our kids on bullying and mean girl behavior. The girls eventually recognized this behavior in themselves. 

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Mama2020

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Reply with quote  #19 
momofdanceobsessed, I know this talk has been a while but I couldn't resisted not reply. I felt like you are talking about my DD's story[biggrin].  My DD has a similar/almost same experience.  Unfortunately, my DD ended up getting sick.  She has anxiety attacks before and after classes.  I ended up have to pulled my DD out from the studio in mid season.  It has been few years now and DD is doing very well (both mental and in dance).  Don't under estimate the harms it can gets like I did.  I always wished that I could had pull my daughter out earlier, before she gets really sick. It was very hard to recover once it happened.  Good luck to you and your DD.  
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