Registered: 1329777812 Posts: 1,333
Reply with quote #26
They now have a sequel to the Care and Keeping of You, too. Good investment. My DD would study it, lol.
Registered: 1394807833 Posts: 1,059
Reply with quote #27
Originally Posted by
disneymom2two Sorry, I was switching back and forth between messageboards (this one and a nondance, parenting one that has a tendency to be very debatey) and obviously forgot which one I was on; I'm posting on a danceboard - of course, she's active. I didn't realize which I'd posted on until just now when I was checking to see if there were any new posts on the boards. Anyway, with kids who had traumatic pasts, it's hard to know what is typical but may be concerning of a child and what is related to their past. Are you on any adoption boards? I'm on several messageboards for adoption from China. They can great info resources. I'd talk to my doctor if I was worried and then maybe ask for a referral to a psychologist with experience with kids who have been adopted in case the issue is related to her past. First I want to say that you sound like a great mom and you want to do what's best for your child. 2nd I want to say while your dd had a traumatic past, she was only 16 months old at the time. She's had many years of love and care since then. While not adopted, my dd had a traumatic past with her bio dad some of which continued until she was 5 (the American legal system is a sore subject with me). At 14, she doesn't remember any of it and is a happy, healthy well adjusted teenager (yes there is such a thing lol). Probably in better shape than most of her friends. As a parent, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to her. But I've also come to realize that she doesn't feel that I need to. I understand your worry and your desire to give her a perfect life but you need to realize that you already have. Kids are super, super resilient. She's doing fine mamma. Relax and enjoy the ride.
High Silver Member
Registered: 1451919797 Posts: 183
Reply with quote #28
Originally Posted by
1tinydancer I'm straddling the fence here. Part of me thinks that if you make a big deal out of it then you are the one causing problems. Kids, and I've noticed especially dancers and other athletes, can EAT. They need the food/calories to not only fuel their bodies but also because they are growing. Another part of me thinks that even though she is 8/9, she is having control issues. She needs to maybe slow down to eat to give her a body the chance to recognize she is full. I agree with this. I see both sides, and I am not sure what the correct answer is for you. First, I do not agree with some of the others who have said that you're focusing too much on this and that you need to forget about it because she's only 8. I think you're being a conscientious mother, and you're noticing things that concern you. That doesnt mean that you're telling her your concerns the same way that you are telling us. Of course you are not criticizing your DD's body to her face. That's why you came on here...to speak openly and get advice as to your concerns. I also agree with what everyone has said...both sides of it. I think that as parents if we put too much focus on food and place restrictions on what our kids eat, it has the potential to create food issues within our kids. That being said, it's a fine line to walk because you also dont want her to just go ahead and overeat on every possible piece of junk food she can get her hands on. Obesity is a huge problem. Even though your DD is not obese, it's a parent's job to teach good eating habits and to teach what healthy vs. non-healthy food is. The trick is to find a way to teach this and have her care about it without being overly controlling with food. It's also important not to make any food "taboo." Meaning allow junk food in moderation. Teach her that there is nothing wrong with junk food, but if she eats too much of it then her body will not be healthy (do not talk about weight as it relates to food. Talk about health). It seems that your DD is already starting to focus on and dislike her body. Try to resist the urge to tell her that junk food will make her fat. Let her know that her body is beautiful. Teach her that eating the right foods will help her body function well and make her strong so she can do all kinds of things with it, including dance. If you are too controlling with her food then this could have more of a likelihood of turning into some sort of eating issue as she gets older. Especially if she is having some lingering issues of being food deprived as an infant/toddler. I wouldnt say anything to her about what she eats on playdates. If you are really concerned about that, then you can always discuss it with the mom of the other child. Just ask her to provide snacks but then encourage the kids to go off and play once they've had a reasonable amount. In my opinion it's better to do it that way then to say something about it directly to your DD. If you tell her she can only have fruit and vegetables, it's going to make her want the junk food even more. Let her have a cookie or chips if that's what she wants, but she should just have a normal serving, not binge on it. I dont think I'd take her to a nutritionist at this point. If you do that, it will only put more of a focus on food, and maybe make her rebel against it by eating even more. If you can find someone (nutritionist or therapist) who has experience with the issue she's been through, then it wouldnt hurt to consult with that person on your own. But I wouldnt bring her to the office at this point. Especially because she's not overweight. Maybe the professional can give you some ideas/suggestions that you can use on your own with your DD.
Registered: 1310398021 Posts: 5,792
Reply with quote #29
Originally Posted by
Thank you for all your responses. My concern is her deprived past affecting her. Up until this year she could never get enough to drink. Always thirsty and drinking water. People told me I should have her checked for diabetes. Her regular check ups were all fine though. Last year at the age of 7 she started with bad armpit odor. 7! She uses a natural deodorant. She's also budding so I'm sure she started the whole puberty process.
My friend and husband think she has a self control issue not necessarily a food issue. This is a bit scary but I think she will be fine. She likes to follow the rules at dance and school and seems to have more emotional intelligence than either of her older brothers.
She and I are very close and cuddle a lot and talk.
I will wait and see in the next year if her food desires escalate to determine if we should bring her somewhere.
I forgot to mention that she also asks for food when she's bored.
my husband and I remind her of what she just ate and tell her boredom is not a reason to eat.
My parents were very carefree raising me and mr siblings. Too much. I'm trying to find the balance of letting her grow up to become independent while also being involved and knowing what she's up to.
She is very independent!
I'd be concerned about signs or early puberty and her short stature. I have a friend who's daughter had similar (pretty identical) symptoms and she was diagnosed with a pituitary tumor. I'd at least talk to the pediatrician about it
Registered: 1247159640 Posts: 1,857
Reply with quote #30
I sat down with both my girls and read Care and Keeping of You cover to cover! Excellent book and reference. But I do recommend reading it with your daughter (make it a mommy-daughter moment for 10 minutes each night) rather than handing it to her to read herself!
As far as the healthy relationship with food, I keep tons of healthy choices and some "fun/unhealthy" choices available. Even at 17 and 14, the unhealthy choices seem to be chosen first, but the healthy choices are more frequently requested when I need to restock.
High Platinum Member
Registered: 1204570995 Posts: 3,919
Reply with quote #31
Reading your DD's story reminded me so much of my childhood best friend. She was adopted at age 4 not from another country, but from an absolute house of horrors here in the US. Her adoptive parents are absolutely amazing people and got her appropriate psychiatric help for what has been a lifelong issue of hoarding food.
If it were not for the background issue of food deprivation in your DD's very early life, I would probably think that you were worrying too much. But after seeing what my friend went through as a young child, and still struggles with today, I think it is something that you want to keep your eye on. What troubled me was the fact that you said she would ask other people for food, and that she continues to eat even when she acknowledges that she is full. Yes, most 8 year olds will go for the cookies when given the choice between sweets and fruit, including all three of my own kids at that age. But going to the neighbors and asking for the cookies, and needing to have snacks available at all times even when she is not hungry, could possibly be signs of lingering PTSD. If it was me I would mention it to the pediatrician, not in front of your DD. I would be careful to avoid making too many references to food, weight, etc. as you could inadvertently contribute to an issue by over-mentioning it. And if you are seeing any other signs of PTSD I would also let the pediatrician know about those as well. A lot of early childhood behavior patterns are formed between birth and age 2, so it is not entirely out of the ordinary for an eating disorder or PTSD to be triggered by experiences prior to age 16 months.
Registered: 1433531523 Posts: 438
Reply with quote #32
If it were me I'd ask her pediatrician about it. Both my kids have eaten things to the point of nausea before, but they don't do it on a regular basis. Is this a regular thing for your DD? If so, I would worry. The sneaking would bother me, too, but we have junk at our house. It just doesn't get eaten until the real food has been eaten