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dancemomny

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hi everyone! This year, my older daughter (13) is making her confirmation. She also needs to choose a sponsor. She was going to choose my sister-in law but she was rushed to the hospital before halloween and still has not been released. I told my daughter she could still pick her, but I did warn her she might not be able to make it to all the meetings. My daughter decided that even though she loves her aunt she is going to pick someone else because she is afraid her aunt may not be able to attend most of the  meetings and doesn't want that to affect her. (she never asked so it is not like we are 'revoking' asking to be her a sponsor.) She is still trying to pick someone else, and has thought of every relative, and every person we are close to. Last night, I asked my daughter if she would want to do one of the SO's. We are very close with them and we have known them for seven years now. They both have babysat for my kids when they were younger, and we often babysit one of the SO's child. I have a feeling my daughter will end up picking a SO, but she is insisting I ask on here my question as she thinks that you guys know better than me. How should she ask the SO? And is that allowed, for your sponsor to not be related to you? I have a feeling it is, I just want to know peoples opinion on this whole thing.

Thank you in advance!
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tendumom

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Reply with quote  #2 
What religion? 
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tiptoemom

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I'd guess Catholic. My concern with choosing a studio owner or dance teacher is what happens if that relationship goes sour? This board is full of stories of issues within a studio, with a dance teacher or studio owner. What if she changes studios? Or moves on to ballet or another activity all together? Will the person you choose make it difficult to make decisions about what is best for your daughter within the context of dance? I know I'm playing devils advocate but it is something to think about.
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dancemomny

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Quote:
Originally Posted by tendumom
What religion? 

Catholic
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nyklane

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Reply with quote  #5 
If they truly are already a family friend and you are caring for her children and vice versa, and they are catholic too (if it is..) then I would think they would be flattered by the request.  Be prepared though that *they* may say no for business reasons not personal.  They may feel their choice to serve as a sponsor would change the culture in the dance classroom or have another un-intended affect.  Have your daughter be prepared for rejection - but at the same time have her know it most certainly is not likely personal.  Clearly I can't speak for them at all!  But a little preparation  and thought might ease outcomes.  If one of the SO's says yes, then fantastic.  But also be prepared for some discontent in the studio.  You already sound close, so maybe this is not likely, but I also don't know if SO has built this type of relationship with other students as well, and they may feel like you have something more.  Actions of teenagers can be harsh and not reflective of the true situation.

I think it's wonderful your daughter and you have built such a strong relationship with your SO.  Our SO is also very close with her comp team girls and they share a very unique bond, so I can imagine that SO might be a good choice for your daughter.

But be prepared for a Yes or a No.  Think also about another person too, just in case this doesn't go the way you expect.  

Good luck and best wishes for this next year!
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dancemomny

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Quote:
Originally Posted by tiptoemom
I'd guess Catholic. My concern with choosing a studio owner or dance teacher is what happens if that relationship goes sour? This board is full of stories of issues within a studio, with a dance teacher or studio owner. What if she changes studios? Or moves on to ballet or another activity all together? Will the person you choose make it difficult to make decisions about what is best for your daughter within the context of dance? I know I'm playing devils advocate but it is something to think about.

I totally see what you mean! My daughter despises ballet. Literally despises it. So i guess we are staying at this studio! And for another activity, what she has noticed with other girls who have entirely quit, is that if they quit in a nice way, when the year is over she will still have a good relationship with them. The SO’s have said numerous times that they just want to still see the girls after they leave the studio, and just want them to be happy. Her sister, who is 9 has said numerous times that she wants to stay at this studio forever, so we don’t have to worry about fall out either. My biggest worry is people complaining, or just being annoyed for whatever reason that my daughter picked a SO as her sponsor. Some of the moms/girls at our studio will do anything for there to be drama, and even if it’s a tiny thing they make it like someone killed someone🙄.
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dancemomny

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Quote:
Originally Posted by nyklane
If they truly are already a family friend and you are caring for her children and vice versa, and they are catholic too (if it is..) then I would think they would be flattered by the request.  Be prepared though that *they* may say no for business reasons not personal.  They may feel their choice to serve as a sponsor would change the culture in the dance classroom or have another un-intended affect.  Have your daughter be prepared for rejection - but at the same time have her know it most certainly is not likely personal.  Clearly I can't speak for them at all!  But a little preparation  and thought might ease outcomes.  If one of the SO's says yes, then fantastic.  But also be prepared for some discontent in the studio.  You already sound close, so maybe this is not likely, but I also don't know if SO has built this type of relationship with other students as well, and they may feel like you have something more.  Actions of teenagers can be harsh and not reflective of the true situation.

I think it's wonderful your daughter and you have built such a strong relationship with your SO.  Our SO is also very close with her comp team girls and they share a very unique bond, so I can imagine that SO might be a good choice for your daughter.

But be prepared for a Yes or a No.  Think also about another person too, just in case this doesn't go the way you expect.  

Good luck and best wishes for this next year!

Okay thank you! I am going to sit her down before she asks, and explain that the SO may say no.
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meatball77

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Reply with quote  #8 
It seems innapropriate to me
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dancemomny

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Quote:
Originally Posted by meatball77
It seems innapropriate to me

And why is that?
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Phx115

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Quote:
Originally Posted by meatball77
It seems innapropriate to me


I agree.

The OP posted earlier that there are moms looking to create drama at the studio.

This would sure get the moms talking at many a studio.

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tendumom

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Reply with quote  #11 

OK.. 

Here's my thought. If this had been a relationship that pre-dated the business relationship, that would be one thing.  Even though you have both babysat each other's children and have a friendship of some sort at the moment, that does not make this a permanent relationship. Of course, some friends become our family over the years, but 7 years is not that long in the scheme of things.  Having had a SO friendship/relationship that went south after an even longer period of time, this is something I would not do. Many of us think our kids will stay at a studio throughout all their dance years but things change, people change, goals change, etc. You cannot predict the future. 

My heart says to go with the aunt. Your daughter and/or you can speak to the priest involved about her aunt's situation and get his advice. I believe this is supposed to be a long term spiritual relationship.  Another thought- who was your dd's godparents? Are they often chosen as the confirmation sponsor? (This is based on my limited knowledge of my various Catholic relatives. I don't know what the norm is but that seemed to be the norm in my extended family)

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dancemomny

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Reply with quote  #12 
Her aunt and her uncle are her godparents. she is closer to her aunt though. she really wants to do her aunt though. But with her aunt in the hospital all the time, it's extremely hard to get in touch with her because she is always in tests. If we can't think of anyone else, I think we will go with SO. SO knows everything about her aunt, and does know she was thinking of her aunt as her sponsor. 
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dancemomny

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Phx115
I agree. The OP posted earlier that there are moms looking to create drama at the studio. This would sure get the moms talking at many a studio. 

I see what you mean, but I don't think that some moms who have nothing better to do than to gossip about children should stop her.
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emmymom

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Reply with quote  #14 
I would not ask the dance teacher. 

In my belief of whom a sponsor should be, it should be someone who your DD knows really well and who knows her really well.  The sponsor should practice your faith in a manner that your DD will emulate and model; do you know this teacher in a spiritual sense? 

It should be someone with whom your DD will have an on-going relationship and continue to spiritually engage your DD throughout her life. 

I can't imagine that most dancer/teacher relationships would garner this level of engagement.

I would definitely go with her aunt.  Speak with the priest, I'm sure there are allowances that can be made to accommodate her needs.  Besides, I think it would be a really nice to do for her given her poor health and may give her something positive and uplifting during a time of despair!
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tappinmom

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Reply with quote  #15 
I have to agree with Emmymom.  The sponsor should be someone who is closer to her than a dance teacher.  DS took forever picking his and ended up picking my brother even though he is not his godfather.  I also think asking the SO will put her in a difficult situation at the studio if what you say about the drama mamas already is true.  She will constantly be dealing with drama and having to justify to people.  That's not fair to her.
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meatball77

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Reply with quote  #16 
It's innapropriate because the teacher is a teacher, not a family member or friend.  We get closer to dance teachers and even if they're friends in someway they are still teachers who have to display that they are fair to all their students.  This crosses the line.
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joriebelle

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Reply with quote  #17 
This is just my opinion too.  I don't think she should discount the aunt because she is in the hospital.  I would talk to the priest and explain the situation, but I would still definitely choose the aunt.  It may even boost her spirits and give her something to be happy about while she's in the hospital.  Is this the aunt that is her godmother?  If she is I really think it's wrong to not ask her.   
As for the SO, I agree with the couple of other people who said it is inappropriate.  First, that relationship may end at some point.  Secondly, you're creating a possible drama situation as other dancers and moms seeing a new different relationship between your SO and daughter.  Babysitting is one thing, but this is another.  I looked up what a sponsor means in the Catholic church and it says this, " the Sacrament of Confirmation creates a strong spiritual bond between the one who is confirmed and the sponsor. The sponsor should be committed to trying to be a part of the confirmandi’s life by presence and prayer always realizing that a sponsor’s prayers for that person are especially efficacious before Almighty God.  One’s “yes” to be a sponsor for Confirmation is not just a “yes” to the candidate, but also a serious commitment to God in taking on this obligation."  I would think you would want a close family member to be this person.  
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amandafarris03

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Reply with quote  #18 
can the SO proxy for the aunt at the meetings?

my DD is making her confirmation this year, the only person we know that is a practicing catholic is her godmother.  we live in two different states but thankfully she was willing to travel and was so flattered!  we are military so a lot of the meetings don't require sponsors and if that was the case I would either facetime her in or video and send her.
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dancemomny

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Reply with quote  #19 
Quote:
Originally Posted by amandafarris03
can the SO proxy for the aunt at the meetings?

my DD is making her confirmation this year, the only person we know that is a practicing catholic is her godmother.  we live in two different states but thankfully she was willing to travel and was so flattered!  we are military so a lot of the meetings don't require sponsors and if that was the case I would either facetime her in or video and send her.

I’ll mention that to DD... thanks!
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NCKDAD

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Reply with quote  #20 
I’ve been a sponsor a few times and been out of the area.
Only needing to send some stuff in and be there for the confirmation.
I would definitely speak with the priest about the specifications.
I have also stood as proxy for someone else bc of a family emergency.
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my2miracles

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Reply with quote  #21 
I think you have been given great advice.  Just wanted to comment to the people who say you should only uses close family members - not everyone has that option.  Thankfully, we've build a network of non-family members who are there for us.  2 of my female BFFs were sponsors for DD's baptism (we're Lutheran so Godparents aren't a thing) and for DS we used his sisters who were 5, 8 and 12 at the time.
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dave9988

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Reply with quote  #22 
Quote:
Originally Posted by meatball77
It's innapropriate because the teacher is a teacher, not a family member or friend.  We get closer to dance teachers and even if they're friends in someway they are still teachers who have to display that they are fair to all their students. 


Er, um, I just ... well ... not sure how to put it other than school teachers around here do not interact with students.  Dance teachers on the other hand, quite frequently.  Whether that's right or wrong?  I don't know, I just don't see the same separation.
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