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Inspiredby3

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Reply with quote  #1 
Hi everyone! My DD12 goes to a very competitive school and it's just as competitive within the team as it is with other teams. I had written at the beginning of the school year, some of you might remember, that my daughter and her friend have been in all the same classes and in the same level. In observation, they do seem to be about the same level. Last year they were in the same dances except my daughter was stronger at acro and made the acro dance and they also had a trio together but my DD was in the center most of the dance and did more difficult moves.

This year, my DD was given a duette with her younger sister who's 9 and her first year on the dance team, switching over from gymnastics to dance. While my DD's friend got a trio with two other girls in the next level up. One of them being one of my dd's closest friends and the other who ditched her as a friend last year for no reason, so there's bad blood between them. Dd's friend also was put in a contemporary dance with my dd's ex-friend. This was upsetting to my DD because she felt like the teachers thought that she was a weaker dancer and wasn't good enough to do a trio with kids in her age group. She was also worried about her friend being in close contact with her ex-friend in these 2 dances and it eventually causing drama. Her ex-friends mom is the biggest gossiper in the dance school and recently I realized that she says nothing but lies and twists every situation like crazy.

My dd's friend has moved to our town last year and DD has welcomed her into her group of friends and now they have all the same friends except DD is closer to the friend in my dd's friend's trio. Part of the reason being that the friend from the trio invited them both over her house but my dd's friend didn't get back to her till last minute whether she could come. Her mom thought only my DD was coming. She is ill and has many tickborn infections and wasn't feeling well and when her daughter told her that my dd's friend is able to come, the mom told her that only my DD is allowed to come. My dd's friend who could not come, her mom ended up yelling at the other friend. I tried to resolve things and asked the sick mom to allow the other friend to come not knowing that her mom yelled at her daughter. Dd's friend ended up coming also but her other friend and her mom were uncomfortable and upset with the mom yelling at her child and they never invited my dd's friend again and they hung out on their own, without my dd's friend from then on. I was hoping that all three of them could be friends but it didn't work out that way. They all hang out at dance but not outside of dance.

Meanwhile, my dd's friend who's in the same level classes has recently been becoming friends with my dd's ex-friend bc of the dances they have together and two classes they have together at school. My dd's fears were coming true. The way my daughter is, she's extremely loyal to her friends, if her friend had a bad experience with someone and that person has hurt her feelings, she would never become friends with that person. She would be nice and friendly, but wouldn't become friends as to not complicate things with her close friend.

We come to this past weekend. Her friend from same level classes had her bday party and invited my dd's ex-friend to come and my dd's friend who's in the trio with her other friend. This made my DD uncomfortable and she had anxiety about the party. She was also starting to get sick and I think was sicker than I thought. Well, my DD ended up getting upset bc she felt like her two friends were attached to the hip all night and weren't hanging out with her as much. I guess she got jealous and fearful that they would like each other better. She ended up texting me to come pick her up at 1am. I did and her parents came out to talk to me. They kept trying to prove that their daughter was not leaving my daughter out to the point that they were making my daughter out to seem like she was crazy and imagining everything. Maybe she did over react and her feelings got the best of her, but to her, her feelings were real and just wanted her feelings to be validated. We couldn't come to any agreement so me and my daughter left. Over the next two days and the info I got from dd's other friends, it did seem like my daughter did over react and things weren't as bad as she felt they were. She said she just didn't feel like herself that day. Every single one of my dd's friends were at that party and I think she was afraid they would want to become friends with her ex-friend as her one friend already has. My DD reached out to her friend yesterday and apologized for over reacting and I reached out to the parents too.

Now, the ex-friends mom is trying to stir things up. Gossiping and twisting what really happened. She's in contact with dd's other friend from the trio's mom bc their girls are friends and she told her that my dd's friends mom who hosted the party was calling all the kids parents to make sure their kids are ok. Which would be crazy bc this didn't involve their kids and they weren't hurt in any way. It turned out that it was a total lie. This woman says nothing but lies. No idea how she even comes up with this stuff. But supposably not she's calling my dd's friends mom all the time and who knows what crap she's saying to her.

How do you guys think I should handle this now? We have a comp this weekend and we're staying in the same hotel. My dd's friend that had the party won't be there, but my dd's friend from the trio that has the sick mom will be there also and she's close friends with my dd's ex friend also.
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cynmckee

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Reply with quote  #2 
You should not handle it.  Period.  You are getting involved in crazy teenage stuff.  Your dd is 12 and needs to learn to handle her friend issues on her own.  Do not be 'That Mom.'  Stay totally out of it.  You are making your dd weaker by interfering.
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Noel

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Reply with quote  #3 
I think that I can understand where you're coming from. It's hard when you feel betrayed (your DD) and you see others embrace those who have hurt you. Unfortunately though this is the stuff that life is made of from time to time. I think most importantly you need to focus within, focus on your DD and yourself. What does she need? What does she want? What will make her enjoy this weekend most? What do you actually have control over. Remind yourself, and your DD, that she has no ability (nor any right) to control who her friends choose to spend their time with. She can only control who she spends her time with. It may mean that she has to begin to look outside of her current circle of friends to find a crew that share her values... but spending time monitoring who said what to whom and whose mother is saying what about whom and on and on and on only wastes precious time on things over which you have zero control. Focus within, choose who you and your DD choose to spend your time with carefully, and leave the rest behind (I know, easier said than done).

Bottom line, if the studio is giving her a good dance education and overall she is pleased with her experience you are going to have to learn to let go of being involved in the drama and focus on what is working for you. If the drama is bigger than the quality of the experience then start to make an exit plan and find a less toxic environment.

Good luck this weekend.
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PasDeChatMom

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Reply with quote  #4 
I couldn't keep up with the story but I get the gist of it and I agree with cynnmckee, stay out of it. If your daughter doesn't know how to handle a situation and comes to you for advice, you can help her figure it out but all of the actual 'handling' should be done by her, in my opinion. I'm the mom of a 13 year old girl - girls this age drive me crazy, I'm not even going to sugarcoat it. Best friends, worst enemies and back to best friends in the course of a week. I don't try to figure it out for my daughter, she's gotta figure it out on her own. I give her the tools and she has to use them. 

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tendumom

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Reply with quote  #5 
I think the story is a bit confusing. 

Your role is to help your dd learn to traverse these situations. Emphasize, as Noel mentioned, that we cannot control other people and who they are or are not friends with. No one can be friends with everyone (she's already learned that lesson) but we can stay friendly with people and treat them how we want to be treated. And, just like pasdechatmom mentioned, these things are in constant flux in this age group! It's crazy. 

When dd encountered these issues, I gave her some reading. "QueenBees and Wannabes" had some nice descriptions of the different roles girls play and how these roles are not static and are constantly changing. Dd was a bit younger and I did not have her read the whole book, I just pulled out sections for her to read. She was a bit younger than your dd when the excluded thing began and began to affect her. I also read "The Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression" which was also quite good. I did share parts of that with dd as well. Understanding the behaviors ended up being very helpful for dd even though understanding did not directly solve the issues, it made it easier for her to handle them. It somehow took away the anxiety, worries and even some of the hurt feelings. Might not work for every kid, but it worked for mine. 
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Phx115

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Reply with quote  #6 
First - I do feel sympathy toward your daughter. It is never a good feeling experiencing what she's going through.

Second - What has society come to in 35 years that moms (not singling you out OP) are getting so intertwined in their kids' relationships? Blech!

Seriously, my parents didn't know the details of my middle-school dramas (1982-84), except if a teacher got involved and it required a call to my parents [wink] . I didn't feel the need to tell them, nor did they particularly want to know. They had their own lives, and expected us to learn to handle conflict on our own. Of course they cared; and I grew up knowing they were available if I chose to share. However, they would have NEVER even thought to interfere in something as typical as middle school mean girl drama. It just wasn't done; and for good reason. Kids have to learn to function in society. Keeping them from learning these skills is only hurting them in the long run.
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Twinkletoesx2

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Reply with quote  #7 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Noel
I think that I can understand where you're coming from. It's hard when you feel betrayed (your DD) and you see others embrace those who have hurt you. Unfortunately though this is the stuff that life is made of from time to time. I think most importantly you need to focus within, focus on your DD and yourself. What does she need? What does she want? What will make her enjoy this weekend most? What do you actually have control over. Remind yourself, and your DD, that she has no ability (nor any right) to control who her friends choose to spend their time with. She can only control who she spends her time with. It may mean that she has to begin to look outside of her current circle of friends to find a crew that share her values... but spending time monitoring who said what to whom and whose mother is saying what about whom and on and on and on only wastes precious time on things over which you have zero control. Focus within, choose who you and your DD choose to spend your time with carefully, and leave the rest behind (I know, easier said than done).

Bottom line, if the studio is giving her a good dance education and overall she is pleased with her experience you are going to have to learn to let go of being involved in the drama and focus on what is working for you. If the drama is bigger than the quality of the experience then start to make an exit plan and find a less toxic environment.

Good luck this weekend.


^^Great advice here.
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dancedaughters

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Reply with quote  #8 
I know you're asking for advice about what to do now, but I will just give a little advice about what to do in future situations like the sleepover, because I have been on both sides of this several times now, and you probably will be on both sides of it in the coming years.  Kids get upset at sleepovers sometimes, and they are tired and not at their best.  My advice is this:

-If your kid wants to be picked up from a sleepover, pick her up.  No questions asked.  When you talk to the other parents, smile and thank them so much for having your daughter and give some kind of shrug and "kids - go figure" attitude to the whole leaving thing.  No need to explain but if you feel compelled to say something just say "she's been really tired lately".  Then when you get in the car, let your kid talk as much or as little as she wants to.  She might need a night's sleep.  She might feel differently in the morning.  Just wait - there's no rush to figure things out or take any action.

- If you are hosting and the other kid is getting picked up, smile warmly at the parent who is picking up, and respond to any apology with "oh it's no problem, it was lovely having her".  If it's clear that the kids are fighting, just say "sorry - everyone's tired" with a shrug.  Then if there are other kids remaining, go on with the fun, or if there aren't, then listen to your child if she wants to talk to you about what happened.

My daughter and her best friend have had wonderful times together that ended in one of them wanting to go home early because they had a falling out.  Most of the time they resolved it on their own within a few days and were angling for another sleepover the next weekend.  Don't get too wrapped up in any of it - just be a listener, support your child, and model polite behavior toward hosts and guests.
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rubydancemom

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Reply with quote  #9 
I agree with PPs that you need to stay out of this. We have drama at our studio, and DD and I stay out of it as best we can. Even then, people talk bad about us and try to stir things up. Apparently, because we try to stay out of the drama, the rumor is we think we're "better" than everyone else. Any situation can be interpreted differently, it's just the reality of this age and human nature. Help your DD when she asks for it, assure her that this will pass. Everyone in the situation will eventually mature, and this is just a bump in the very bumpy road that is growing up. The studio is for dance training. If friendships come out of it, great, but sometimes, it just doesn't work out. Insecurities, jealousies, different values, etc. all mixed with LOTS of hormones leads to this. All you can do is be there for her. 
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Mamala

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Reply with quote  #10 
I'm sorry that your DD has to go through this. Teenage girl drama is the worst. It's all such nonsense, but at the time it seems like it's the end of the world to them. It's a shame that some of these other parents feel the need to get involved beyond the point of just being their for their daughters. In my opinion, all you need to do is be there for your DD. Be a listening and nonjudgmental ear for her to rely on. Give her some advice and words of wisdom from someone older and wiser (these words of wisdom should involve the least drama possible and only behaving politely and nicely on her part. Advise her to never stoop to the level of being mean). Remind her that sometimes her own feelings of insecurity might be playing a role in how she is interpreting things (at least that is what you said it sounded like right?).
Other than being there to discuss things with your DD, I would NOT get involved directly with anyone else. Not the other mothers, not your DD's friends period! It is not your place to meddle into her affairs in that way. She's old enough to handle things and she needs to learn to handle things like this on her own. The only time I would say that you should get involved directly is if there was a safety issue involved. Like if someone was physically harming or threatening to harm another child. Or if there were other safety concerns. If it's just silly friend drama then I'd say stay out of it.
Regarding other moms talking at the studio, if another mother says something to you or in front of you about your DD or the situation, I would simply reply to them that you feel this to be petty teenage drama and the girls should take on the responsibility of working it out themselves. Make her feel stupid by saying that it's not the mothers' place to get involved.

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my2miracles

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Reply with quote  #11 
Yes pre-teen and teenage girls are the worst.  But we have a rule in our house when it comes to friends.  DD14 doesn't have to listen to friends telling her who she can and can't be friends with and she needs to not tell her friends who else they can or can't be friends with.  I have a few friends who just don't like each other.  Aside from big parties (which I don't have much anymore), I keep them separate.  I know B doesn't care for R so I don't plan get togethers with the 2 of them at the same time.   Works just fine.  We don't have to be 1 big happy family.  But I like them both so I'm not going to pick.
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nicknoralove

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Reply with quote  #12 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inspiredby3
Hi everyone! My DD12 goes to a very competitive school and it's just as competitive within the team as it is with other teams. I had written at the beginning of the school year, some of you might remember, that my daughter and her friend have been in all the same classes and in the same level. In observation, they do seem to be about the same level. Last year they were in the same dances except my daughter was stronger at acro and made the acro dance and they also had a trio together but my DD was in the center most of the dance and did more difficult moves. This year, my DD was given a duette with her younger sister who's 9 and her first year on the dance team, switching over from gymnastics to dance. While my DD's friend got a trio with two other girls in the next level up. One of them being one of my dd's closest friends and the other who ditched her as a friend last year for no reason, so there's bad blood between them. Dd's friend also was put in a contemporary dance with my dd's ex-friend. This was upsetting to my DD because she felt like the teachers thought that she was a weaker dancer and wasn't good enough to do a trio with kids in her age group. She was also worried about her friend being in close contact with her ex-friend in these 2 dances and it eventually causing drama. Her ex-friends mom is the biggest gossiper in the dance school and recently I realized that she says nothing but lies and twists every situation like crazy. My dd's friend has moved to our town last year and DD has welcomed her into her group of friends and now they have all the same friends except DD is closer to the friend in my dd's friend's trio. Part of the reason being that the friend from the trio invited them both over her house but my dd's friend didn't get back to her till last minute whether she could come. Her mom thought only my DD was coming. She is ill and has many tickborn infections and wasn't feeling well and when her daughter told her that my dd's friend is able to come, the mom told her that only my DD is allowed to come. My dd's friend who could not come, her mom ended up yelling at the other friend. I tried to resolve things and asked the sick mom to allow the other friend to come not knowing that her mom yelled at her daughter. Dd's friend ended up coming also but her other friend and her mom were uncomfortable and upset with the mom yelling at her child and they never invited my dd's friend again and they hung out on their own, without my dd's friend from then on. I was hoping that all three of them could be friends but it didn't work out that way. They all hang out at dance but not outside of dance. Meanwhile, my dd's friend who's in the same level classes has recently been becoming friends with my dd's ex-friend bc of the dances they have together and two classes they have together at school. My dd's fears were coming true. The way my daughter is, she's extremely loyal to her friends, if her friend had a bad experience with someone and that person has hurt her feelings, she would never become friends with that person. She would be nice and friendly, but wouldn't become friends as to not complicate things with her close friend. We come to this past weekend. Her friend from same level classes had her bday party and invited my dd's ex-friend to come and my dd's friend who's in the trio with her other friend. This made my DD uncomfortable and she had anxiety about the party. She was also starting to get sick and I think was sicker than I thought. Well, my DD ended up getting upset bc she felt like her two friends were attached to the hip all night and weren't hanging out with her as much. I guess she got jealous and fearful that they would like each other better. She ended up texting me to come pick her up at 1am. I did and her parents came out to talk to me. They kept trying to prove that their daughter was not leaving my daughter out to the point that they were making my daughter out to seem like she was crazy and imagining everything. Maybe she did over react and her feelings got the best of her, but to her, her feelings were real and just wanted her feelings to be validated. We couldn't come to any agreement so me and my daughter left. Over the next two days and the info I got from dd's other friends, it did seem like my daughter did over react and things weren't as bad as she felt they were. She said she just didn't feel like herself that day. Every single one of my dd's friends were at that party and I think she was afraid they would want to become friends with her ex-friend as her one friend already has. My DD reached out to her friend yesterday and apologized for over reacting and I reached out to the parents too. Now, the ex-friends mom is trying to stir things up. Gossiping and twisting what really happened. She's in contact with dd's other friend from the trio's mom bc their girls are friends and she told her that my dd's friends mom who hosted the party was calling all the kids parents to make sure their kids are ok. Which would be crazy bc this didn't involve their kids and they weren't hurt in any way. It turned out that it was a total lie. This woman says nothing but lies. No idea how she even comes up with this stuff. But supposably not she's calling my dd's friends mom all the time and who knows what crap she's saying to her. How do you guys think I should handle this now? We have a comp this weekend and we're staying in the same hotel. My dd's friend that had the party won't be there, but my dd's friend from the trio that has the sick mom will be there also and she's close friends with my dd's ex friend also.


It's really hard to watch your child be hurt, but I agree with most others that it's probably best to listen to her and just give her some suggestions for handling it if she asks. My mother used to overreact so much and get so upset if my friends (especially the popular ones - my mom wanted me to fit in with the most popular kids. This was important to her, which is an entire other issue/topic) weren't nice to me or left me out, that I used to hide it from her when it was happening. I didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to because I was so afraid she'd blow everything out of proportion and try to get involved, or just be upset about it in general and ask me about it constantly.

Sadly this is extremely common behavior for kids this age. I hate it and am not looking forward to it.
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sandj

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Reply with quote  #13 
Growth happens through adversity.   We are shaped by our experiences and we learn to choose the outcomes we want for ourselves.  I know from experience that it is extremely difficult and can tear at your heartstrings when your child is in the throes of teenage drama, but I have come to believe that you do have to let them 'experience' it and 'feel what they are feeling' in order that they can form their own opinions and set up their own parameters for what they are willing to put up with and what they choose to ignore.   Obviously if a situation is unsafe, then a parent needs to step in.  Otherwise, hard as it can be, let them work through this stuff.   It's how they become confident, independent and ready to realize their personal potential.   That might sound like tough advice, and it is only my experience with raising kids.  
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DanceTumbleCheerMom

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Reply with quote  #14 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sandj
Growth happens through adversity.   We are shaped by our experiences and we learn to choose the outcomes we want for ourselves.  I know from experience that it is extremely difficult and can tear at your heartstrings when your child is in the throes of teenage drama, but I have come to believe that you do have to let them 'experience' it and 'feel what they are feeling' in order that they can form their own opinions and set up their own parameters for what they are willing to put up with and what they choose to ignore.   Obviously if a situation is unsafe, then a parent needs to step in.  Otherwise, hard as it can be, let them work through this stuff.   It's how they become confident, independent and ready to realize their personal potential.   That might sound like tough advice, and it is only my experience with raising kids.  



having 2 girls currently in the midst of teen drama days, I disagree.  Luckily they manage to stay out of most of it, but my girls know they can come to me and discuss whatever and we spend a lot of time discussing what is going on, and how they can better handle something if it happens.    They are lucky, because being 18 mos apart, they are each others constant best friend and they are secure knowing that no matter what happens with friends, they have each others backs no matter what.       
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sandj

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Reply with quote  #15 
And that is great DTCmom! How lovely that they are so close! I agree with you on that. You are their role model and advisor, for sure. I don't think I explained myself well. I neglected to speak to what you have, about talking things through. I more meant not being right involved in the drama, which I have seen happen. But I totally agree with your advice!
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joriebelle

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Reply with quote  #16 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Noel... but spending time monitoring who said what to whom and whose mother is saying what about whom and on and on and on only wastes precious time on things over which you have zero control. Focus within, choose who you and your DD choose to spend your time with carefully, and leave the rest behind (I know, easier said than done).

Bottom line, if the studio is giving her a good dance education and overall she is pleased with her experience you are going to have to learn to let go of being involved in the drama and focus on what is working for you. If the drama is bigger than the quality of the experience then start to make an exit plan and find a less toxic environment.

Good luck this weekend.[/QUOTE



I can't say it any better than Noel.  
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Inspiredby3

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Reply with quote  #17 
This is a very late response and I apologize.... I know the story was a little confusing but the people I've been dealing with are some of the wackiest people I've met, so the situation wasn't very straightforward.

Loved all the responses, even the ones that were tough... gave me so many perspectives. Thank you so much for taking the time to try to help.

Things are at their worst now, and my DD doesn't even want to go to class anymore. We're on a search for a new studio. Ultimately, don't think the studio is a good fit for us. It's extremely competitive as the people in it. DD wants to become a good dancer but her bond with her teammates is equally important to her and she believes in being kind and thoughtful with them all. It's hard when others don't have the same values.

Thanks again everyone!!!!
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Leapsandturns

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Reply with quote  #18 
Quote:
Originally Posted by DanceTumbleCheerMom



having 2 girls currently in the midst of teen drama days, I disagree.  Luckily they manage to stay out of most of it, but my girls know they can come to me and discuss whatever and we spend a lot of time discussing what is going on, and how they can better handle something if it happens.    They are lucky, because being 18 mos apart, they are each others constant best friend and they are secure knowing that no matter what happens with friends, they have each others backs no matter what.       
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debitigger

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Reply with quote  #19 
We left a studio for similar reasons. My dd was treated horribly. The girls were just straight out nasty. The defining moment came when one of them choked her leaving marks and my dd was blamed because the other girl's mom was in the inner circle and I was not. We were told not to complain. FYI in 8 years of school and any other studio we have been to dd has never been in trouble for anything. Suddenly at this studio she was a "problem ".
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